this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
