I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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