Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
