Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
