I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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