Just fell off a train. Bad.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
