took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
