There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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