I wish I could punch you in the face.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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