She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
