bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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