Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
