I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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