There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize