I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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