The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
True strength comes from lack of pants
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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