Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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