I can tuck mytits in my pants
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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