Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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