his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
