the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
