i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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