so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
