peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There was a lot of him and a little penis
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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