I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
