all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
