I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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