stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
