I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
