The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
