Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
