I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
