Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize