sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just cropdusted the office
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
