Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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