Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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