This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
