I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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