She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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