The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
