Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
