need another drink. this is the easiest way
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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