8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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