I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
