So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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