I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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