1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
