So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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