It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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