you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
