Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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