is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
