Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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