he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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