We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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