So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
