Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
