I met the friendliest cop last night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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