I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
