Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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