Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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