Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
