You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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