I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
