We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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