i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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