i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
